Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Man Buys his wife 100,000 volts Stun Gun and loses his Testicles!

A funny story from a guy who purchased his lovely wife a 100,000 volt stun gun as a gift.

Last weekend I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt stun gun. The effects of the high voltage stun gun were supposed to be non lethal and short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the stun device and brought it home. I loaded the single 9 volt eveready battery in the stun gun and pushed the button. Loud crackling and a a small blue electric arc between the electrodes! I was a little disappointed. I did learn, however that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and back to the surface. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only one 9 volt battery, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this 100,000 volt stun gun on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, stun gun in the other. The directions said that
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All thewhile I'm looking at this little device kind of cute really and (loaded with one little 9 volt battery) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumb ass,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a 100,000 volt stun gun, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is tossed from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point after being shocked with 100,000 volts), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs!!! I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped in my shorts, but was too numb from the 100,000 volt shock from the stun gun to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

My wife loved the stun gun, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'


  1. So funny I almost fell out of my seat!

  2. Oh my god that was freaking hilarious. Made me laugh out loud to the point of crying!